Things I Have Cried About While Pregnant.

1. That Johnson & Johnson commercial about nurses.

2. An episode of America's Next Top Model

3. Because I couldn't catch Moose when he was running around.

4. Because I didn't want to eat any more food.

5. No reason whatsoever. 

6. A picture of a dog being rescued by a firefighter. 

7. An episode of Project Runway.

8. A Beyoncé song.

9. ...No reason whatsoever. 

10. Because I was happy to be having a little girl. ❤️

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Life During the First Trimester.

I haven't written for a while. I haven't done much of anything for a while. As such, I've been feeling sort of down on myself about that. Really, I shouldn't beat myself up...I have been less productive for a wonderful reason...I'm pregnant!

We announced our news a few weeks ago, when I was only 10 weeks pregnant. I know that's a little early. I have had so many doctor appointments leading up to today (12 weeks). Given my history, my amazing, amazing OBGYN has been watching this little one closely. I have felt as though THIS IS IT, this is the pregnancy that will stick and give us a crying, pooping, bundle of joy. Don't get me wrong...I will always default to my Midwestern sensibilities. (Early on, my doctor stated he was "cautiously optimistic," and I had to laugh. "Cautiously Optimistic" is my game, doc.) I know that anything could happen. Anything can happen, from now until 18 years from now and beyond. But I remain hopeful. It's hard not to worry sometimes, but what kind of life is that?

In the very beginning, I was extremely nervous. It is difficult to become attached to something that has been taken away from you more than once before. I don't think I let my guard down until the ultrasound where I could actually SEE a little flutter of a heartbeat. (Even hearing the heartbeat before that was no comfort to me. I'm a visual learner.) After that, I was able to breathe. And, as of last week, my doctor is treating mine like a "normal pregnancy," meaning I can have the standard check-ups now, no extra appointments needed anymore.

And I am more calm because, boy, do I feel this pregnancy. I think I have every pregnancy symptom in the book. Basically, I feel like ass almost 24/7. I am just waiting for that magical moment that everyone talks about, the one where you feel GREAT! CLOUDS PART, RAINBOWS SPARKLING, SUN SHINING, NO-MORE-NAUSEA/HEADACHES/SINUS CONGESTION/INDIGESTION/MOODINESS/ETCANDSOONANDSOFORTH AWESOME! Because I always thought to myself, "Man, I'm really gonna like being pregnant!" But right now I am definitely not enjoying it. It is a cruel trick for nature to make your body miserable as a sign that everything is progressing as it should.

But I am grateful. :) Countdown to the sunshine.

34 Things To Do Before I Turn 33.

There are always so many things that I want to do. This year I have a lot of art-related tasks on my list. They're pretty vague (draw more)...which can be dangerous, but allows me a little room to breathe around the more specific ones (read 1 book per month).

You can go back and look at my list from last year. I reposted it a few weeks ago and let me tell you, nothing has changed. Nothing more has been crossed off. I think this was the least success I have had with crossing things off of my list, and I owe it all to a particularly hectic and disappointing year. Hopefully this year I will have a little bit more luck...and if not, maybe it will be because we have a particularly joyful year. One can hope.

  1. Take walks in nature.
  2. Work in the studio every day.
  3. Establish a more rigid daily routine.
  4. Compost.
  5. Read 1 book per month.
  6. Get makeup done.
  7. Try Dry Bar.
  8. Watch Gone With the Wind.
  9. Eat at Lucia.
  10. Learn more about the artists that I admire.
  11. See more art.
  12. Eat at Dallas Grilled Cheese Co.
  13. Paint the studio.
  14. Host Craft Party: Brunch Edition.
  15. Plant something we can eat.
  16. Kombucha. Steady supply. Make it happen.
  17. House project of the year: nursery.
  18. Streamline and fine-tune my wardrobe.
  19. Work on my illustration techniques (for work).
  20. Draw more.
  21. Meatless Monday.
  22. Knit or crochet 1 square per month to make a 12-square blanket by the end of the year.
  23. High-quality goodies only.
  24. Go to a hockey game.
  25. Organize Kennedy's room.
  26. Become a "member" (ie the Perot Museum? Dallas Museum of Art? The Kimbell?)
  27. Go kayaking with Joy.
  28. Daily paintings.
  29. Visit David's college, finally, because he's been wanting to take me there for so long now.
  30. Shoot some hoops with David.
  31. Girls' weekend (Austin?)
  32. Meet/socialize with local artists.
  33. Take a class.
  34. Hang with my besties more often.

The Hard Stuff.

Last year around this time we were pregnant. Actually, I've been pregnant twice this year. It's been a difficult time. This is the stuff we don't write about in the family Christmas letter or on Facebook. But it's the stuff that you need people to know about...if you're me, anyway. I don't know why people--women--don't talk about miscarriage. It was helpful for me to talk about it with the small group of friends that I did tell. The support means a lot. And at the time, both times, I was scouring the internet for other women's stories, just to find some peace of mind and comfort in the commonness of it all. If it is something that happens so frequently, then I can have less to worry about. Many go on to have healthy babies after 1, 2, or more miscarriages.

But I didn't find many of those stories. Not because it doesn't happen, but people don't want to talk about it. But how can you heal yourself without the people around you knowing what is going on? I don't know.

The first time I miscarried, we were 8 weeks along. We both went in on a Friday for my first sonogram to hear the heartbeat. When the nurse pulled up the screen, I knew immediately something was wrong. The nurse wasn't saying anything. I could tell from the colors on the screen that something wasn't right. She went to get the doctor.

Heartbreaking, and such weird timing. We were a few days out from our road trip to Marfa, in the middle of buying a house, and I was 2 days away from interviewing for a promotion. I actually went to work on Monday, dressed for the interview. I couldn't do it. Luckily I had a very understanding employer. We did, however, continue onto Marfa for what was supposed to be an artistic retreat, but mostly turned out to be a therapeutic trip for me. We still had our artsy fun, but under a veil of sad disappointment.

I didn't know what to expect when I finally miscarried. I went in blindly. It was physically painful...I expected cramps that I could handle (I get bad cramps during my period) but it was worse. It's just a weird experience all around. Our bodies are so strangely (thankfully) adept at taking care of us. That little being was not going to make it in the world, and my body took care of it and me.

The second time I miscarried, we were on our Texas road trip (we've had some unfortunate road trips this year, obviously). This time I didn't need the doctor to tell me what was happening; it was happening. I was barely pregnant. I had only known for about a week before we lost it.

Twice is not enough times to be tested for fertility issues. So, hopefully the third time's a charm, as they say. Luckily, we get pregnant really easily. (TMI? Sorry mom.) I go back and forth between wanting to push for answers and solutions, and then quietly accepting whatever life has in store for us, kids or not. I am very lucky and grateful to have a stepdaughter, since she was 3, with a mother who is willing to share her with me and let me feel like I can be a big part of her life too.

I don't know why I chose now to share all of this. I guess I have just been thinking about it a lot lately. I don't mind people knowing about it. I like the support. I need it. Also, Kennedy does not know about the pregnancies. Some discretion is appreciated.

33 Things To Do Before I Turn 32

If you've followed my old blog in the past, before I got hooked up with this swanky site, you may remember my yearly to-do lists. Well, I didn't want to abandon that pitiful list, so I brought it over here. I thought it might be nice to have a little update with my progress so you guys can, you know, keep me accountable.

To refresh your (my) memory:

This year I want to live more fully, wholly, simply. I went back through my past lists and I found some things that I didn't do that I still want to do, so I added a few of those to the pile. Is that cheating? Heck no! It's my blog and I do what I want!

  1. Plant something. Make it survive.
  2. Less Facebook, more face time.
  3. Yoga.
  4. Compost.
  5. Master the hula hoop.
  6. Go to the drive-in.
  7. Learn to two-step.
  8. Fiddle more.
  9. Read some of the books I have acquired but not read.
  10. Volunteer for something.
  11. Make an apple pie.
  12. Finish my website.
  13. Get a new tattoo.
  14. Take a ride in the karaoke cab.
  15. Acquire rainboots.
  16. Smoke a cigar.
  17. Visit at least 1 art exhibit/gallery per quarter.
  18. Fill up the empty sketchbooks in my box of sketchbooks (there are a lot!)
  19. Figure drawing : specifically hands and feet. (Things most artists need to work on.)
  20. Visit the Perot Museum of Nature and Science.
  21. Go camping.
  22. Attend a coffee cupping class.
  23. Bring reusable bags to the grocery store.
  24. Bring lunch to work more often.
  25. Be in nature more.
  26. Dance more.
  27. Find a hobby or past time to share with Kennedy.
  28. Acquire some more vinyl for my new record player.
  29. Try more of my collected recipes.
  30. Get Kennedy and David to drink more water.
  31. Befriend more people in Arlington.
  32. Set up my studio space.
  33. Work on making our new house lovely and a true expression of us.

A New Home.

This is my new blog, guys.

Generally, I hope to show you what I'm working on, and what inspires me. I love, love, love to peek in on the creative processes of my favorite designers, so I want to share that part of me with you. I will also throw in a few posts about what is going on in my life with me and my family. Check back soon for more updates to the blog, my website, and all that good stuff.