I haven't written for a while. I haven't done much of anything for a while. As such, I've been feeling sort of down on myself about that. Really, I shouldn't beat myself up...I have been less productive for a wonderful reason...I'm pregnant!
We announced our news a few weeks ago, when I was only 10 weeks pregnant. I know that's a little early. I have had so many doctor appointments leading up to today (12 weeks). Given my history, my amazing, amazing OBGYN has been watching this little one closely. I have felt as though THIS IS IT, this is the pregnancy that will stick and give us a crying, pooping, bundle of joy. Don't get me wrong...I will always default to my Midwestern sensibilities. (Early on, my doctor stated he was "cautiously optimistic," and I had to laugh. "Cautiously Optimistic" is my game, doc.) I know that anything could happen. Anything can happen, from now until 18 years from now and beyond. But I remain hopeful. It's hard not to worry sometimes, but what kind of life is that?
In the very beginning, I was extremely nervous. It is difficult to become attached to something that has been taken away from you more than once before. I don't think I let my guard down until the ultrasound where I could actually SEE a little flutter of a heartbeat. (Even hearing the heartbeat before that was no comfort to me. I'm a visual learner.) After that, I was able to breathe. And, as of last week, my doctor is treating mine like a "normal pregnancy," meaning I can have the standard check-ups now, no extra appointments needed anymore.
And I am more calm because, boy, do I feel this pregnancy. I think I have every pregnancy symptom in the book. Basically, I feel like ass almost 24/7. I am just waiting for that magical moment that everyone talks about, the one where you feel GREAT! CLOUDS PART, RAINBOWS SPARKLING, SUN SHINING, NO-MORE-NAUSEA/HEADACHES/SINUS CONGESTION/INDIGESTION/MOODINESS/ETCANDSOONANDSOFORTH AWESOME! Because I always thought to myself, "Man, I'm really gonna like being pregnant!" But right now I am definitely not enjoying it. It is a cruel trick for nature to make your body miserable as a sign that everything is progressing as it should.
But I am grateful. :) Countdown to the sunshine.