When you imagine being pregnant, you don't really know what it's going to be like. People can tell you what to expect, but you just don't have any grasp of what the experience is going to be like until you are living it. So in your final trimester, especially your ninth month, you expect that you are going to be uncomfortable. And tired. But DUDE. I am
I tried to go for a walk the other day. Just a little stroll, nothing crazy. I was moving at a comically slow pace. Like, unbelievably slow. Because I hurt. All over. Turning over in bed...I should get a trophy every time I accomplish that. For real.
As such, it is taking some time to get the nursery finished up. Luckily David is home this week and can help out. He convinced me to buy this ADORABLE teepee I saw at Land of Nod, after much hemming and hawing from myself about how expensive it is. I told him that this kid better take the damn thing with her to college, it is so expensive! It's 3 sticks and a piece of fabric, for cryin out loud! He thinks I'm being a curmudgeon. He's right.
As uncomfortable as I am, I am not ready for this baby to come. I am terrified. That's the truth. I'm not scared about the part I should be scared about--the labor--I am scared of having a baby. You know, like OWNING A BABY. Not a kid, a BABY. I have zero experience with babies. None. I have co-parented with David for 9 years, starting with a 3 year old. Ages 3-to-almost-12. I got that. It's the babies the scare me. The fragility of their little bodies. The breastfeeding. The sleep deprivation. The "me" time I am losing to this completely dependent being. The disruption of my routine. That desperate, helpless feeling I will have if and when they get sick. What if I get postpartum depression? What if I get a migraine? How will I take care of a baby when I have a migraine? That's the stuff I am scared of, and that's for real. I know there will be so many lovely things, glimpses I have taken while helping out with Kennedy. But this is the unknown, and the truth is that the unknown can be scary sometimes.
But I'll be alright. I know I will be.